Monday, December 7, 2009

Episode 45: Roasting Chestnuts

Many subscribe to the adage that if you don't have anything nice to say, you shouldn't say anything at all. Sorry, folks, this is not the time for etiquette: Christmas is at stake! So this week, we take a look at the most horrendous Yuletide musical offerings over the years. Why would you subject yourself to this gauntlet of chintz? Well, we here at Awkward Silences are experts at making catty remarks. Also, it's considered "with it" to like things ironically. So here we go...

Gayla Peevey (not, as we thought, Shirley Temple) - All I Want for Christmas is a Hippopotamus
The Royal Guardsmen - Snoopy vs. the Red Baron
Alvin and The Chipmunks - The Christmas Song

Jose Feliciano - Feliz Navidad
Cindy Lauper - Christmas Conga

The Beach Boys - Little Saint Nick
The Beach Boys - Santa's Beard

Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmas Time

Wham! - Last Christmas
NewSong - The Christmas Shoes (Patton Oswalt's raunchy take on it here)

Jackson 5 - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Band Aid - Do They Know It's Christmas Time

(Patton Oswalt also has a great take on The Chipmunks)


Otherwise Known as "Miss" said...

Merry Christmas, PJs.

Thanks for the distasteful array of horrible Christmas songs.I saw the track listing and thought "Maybe I'll skip out on this week's dose of awkward."

You started strong with possibly the worst song of them all, "I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas". Although I am bound to state that it is NOT sung by Shirley Temple but a child singer from the early 1950s named Gayla Peavey.

...Tyler and I discussed the horror of Snoopy VS. The Red Baron just yesterday. WHAT A STUPID SONG. And there is no bigger Charlie Brown Christmas fan than this gal. But I simply can't stomach that ridiculous ditty. Its offensive to my ears.

...and its just getting worse with "The Chipmunk Christmas Song". Effing Hula-Hoop. Please don't let "Feliz Navidad" be on this playlist. Oh Lord, its next.

So let me tell you my working in a mall at Christmas story. I worked one holiday season at Champlain Mall, a fixture of a teenaged hang-out if there ever was one in Brossard. At the time (this was several years ago), the mall's holiday theme was fairy tales. So Santa's village in the mall was inhabited by such greats as the frog prince, Cinderella, et al. And the mall's Christmas spirit had OUTPOSTS to the main village, one of which was an automated Pinocchio puppet show directly in front of the shoe store where I worked. I am unfortunately bound to state that I heard the bloody Pinocchio puppet show every ten minutes or so for two months straight. I thought I was going to viciously mangle myself.

I adore Cyndi Lauper, the good Lord knows I do... but this is the most horrible thing I have ever heard in my whole life, and that includes my students singing Happy Birthday.

... "And by the way, have a nice life."??? WHAT?!?!?! Ty, that HAS to be added to the list. "And By the Way, Have a Nice Life (It's Christmas)"

Can I make some suggestions for good and/or fun Christmas songs? "The 12 Days of Christmas" by Straight No Chaser. "Christmastime is Here" from A Charlie Brown Christmas. "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" by Judy Garland. "Someday at Christmas" by the Jackson Five. "Baby, its Cold Outside". "O Holy Night". "Please Come Home for Christmas". "The Huron Carol". There are many other good ones. But these came to mind just now.

These are truly horrible in every way: "There's Always Tomorrow" from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. "Silver and Gold". "My Name is Christmas Carol"(that one is extra bad). "Let It Snow" by Boyz II Men. (SO BAD, but my sister Carlie's favorite.)

... Thanks for talking about my bad ornaments! I hope you don't include my Charlie Brown tree in it. Ah, but I recognize good old Stick Poodle in there. He is made with cotton balls AND popsicle sticks AND googly eyes. Classic. The blue bird of happiness is truly horrible, though. That's why he is hidden at the back.

...Bedtime! Looking forward to next week, PJs. And remember:

Check the Calendar! (It's Christmas).

Gord Burtch said...

In case you are curious about that Hippo song (and who knows why you would be)... there is an interview with Gayla Peavey about it. Was original recorded in an effort to obtain a Hippo for an Oklahoma zoo back in '53.

Tyler said...

Thanks for the heads up, guys!

Brutus said...

That was scary stuff. You two have hit new lows this time, and are now worthy of the titles: schlokmeisters.

schlock·meis·ter (shlkmstr)
n. Slang
One who produces or deals in inferior or shoddy goods or material.

Hopefully I will never have to hear some of these tunes again. And with any luck, a few of the listeners will survive the episode, and will willingly tune into #46.

Do other religions make such a mess of a sacred holiday? Is mistletoe hung during Kwanzaa?

Until next time,